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tis one week plus i've been struggling to face my past and everything..many things which i hate to rmb seem to come back continuously. tears keep flowing cox of current situations and past hurts and fears.also noe tat wat is my strongest weakness tat caused me not being able to keep moving forward all these yrs. when all things r back is surely painful..but i noe tat God is telling mi not to run anymore nor ignore it..even to de extend of numbing myself..tis is de limit i can take..anymore i'll fall..i really hope tat tis coming mission trip will help mi to shed my old self and mould a new me.dun wan my first mission trip to jux come and go..haha.building of de tabunacle is de one thing i realize how preveiledge r we to be in de prescence of God. now i fully understand y some ppl jux keep saying those sentences and keep reminding us of de tabunacle.
someppl told me some stuffs which encourages mi alot.thanks. but tis illustration is de most awesome one:
when u fail God, u wun worry tat u'll hab to start all over again. jux like a baby, when he falls along de way, his dad will run over to him to pick him up, dust de dirts off him and encourage him tat he's doing fine and let him cont on walking..de dad wun drag him back to de starting point and say, "since u fall on de way,u'll hab to start all over again." de same wid our walk wid de Lord. when we fall, we dun not need to be ashamed nor worry tat everything needs to start all over again. cox God love us wid an unconditional love..even before He can hurt us..we've already hurt Him deeply.
all i can say now is: I love my Heavenly Father so much. ^.^
On tuesday after collecting my canvas back from my sch..i've made my mind.i've finally found wat i really really wan in life. to persue my passion and tat i've always wanted.i noe i wun regret de choice i've made tis time..de day which i'll be breaking out of tis sickening jail.
wasnt a smooth and pleasant day fer me yesterday..maybe is really an misunderstanding.sorry..my heart and emotions were being stretched to another limit. tis time round i find it even harder to breathe my way through the days ahead.im grateful fer de effort ur hab done..really appreciate it ^.^ but on another hand,tat misunderstanding caused de walls to thicken and i fear to thanked ur face to face in case i didnt get any response. the stress within me ur built upon each and everyday caused me to feel even heavier by the day..i held back my tears,being afraid of provoking ur..i dun get it..y do i feel tis way? y am i so afraid of ur till i gib myself so much stress unknowingly? wat if one day i left without telling anyone? will ur even care?tried so hard to smile..im losing my personality..tis is definitely not me. where's de cheerful,sporty n daring qi ying? where is tat ah ma whom many depended on? my friends..my heart is crying out..bitterly crying fer a way out..God,are u even listening to me? some of ur r being kind to mi but wat abt de others? u cant make a clap wid one hand..e6 gals..i jux miss ur so so much today..i need a shoulder to lean on badly yet..im afraid to ask.."wat am i suppose to do?" is one of my daily qn to God. Help me.
oh man..how long i've not written in tis blog le..ever since sch starts..i hab no time fer com..werid timetables..mm..im jux getting so sick and tired of de attitudes ard mi..am i a trash to be thrown ard? or a guinea pig to be used?each day i hab to swallow down my tears n all ur nonsense. i tried so hard to be among ur..but de river is too wide fer mi to cross over..cant ur jux concern more abt me? everyday i pray fer God to gib mi strength and let mi see miracles.praying fer each and every one's hurts and pains to be removed and be joyful each day..praying tat everyday will jux past fast tis few yrs and get over it.praying tat one day i'll be able to reveal myself to ur de real me and be free among ur.i prayed till im so tired and i nearly quit tat day..i noe tis may sound unpleasant but i really cant hold it out much longer..y mux ur treat me like tis..i dun deserve any of ur nonsense..wat's de difference between mi and ur? felt im gonna hab a split personality soon..my attitude towards others and ur r so much different till i cant believe it myself.
